The Screw in Airport Security

I’ve been in roughly 32 airports this year. I’ve been in fucked up ones too throughout Africa, the Middle East, and even down to South America last year. I’ve seen it all. Yet no airline or airport is as fucked up as the ones we have in the States. I saw this one guy in Atlanta who carried a fly swatter and every time an airport security person would touch his bags or something in them, he’d swat their hands until they had to cuff him because he wouldn’t do anything they said. The man was obviously handicapped and had Tourettes.

Almost every time I fly, my planes get delayed, I get stranded, mechanical problems with the airline…name it. I have more frequent flyer miles than all my friends combined. You would think I’d get VIP service, but no…it’s the fucking opposite.

Today I was molested by an airport security woman. I had friends drop me off at JFK airport but they came inside to see if I’d be able to board since we had a late start. As I stood in line to show my boarding pass and I.D, the attendant says “Well, looks like they want you for extra screening.” As he said it, he scans me up and down like a dude at a club. I didn’t think anything of it at first but then he flips through my passport and his eyes widen as he busts out these squeamish expressions. Right away, I knew I was going to be dealing with retards.

Security: Egypt. What you do there?

Me: My family is all there.

Security: Did you go see the pyramids?

Me: It’s the same as me asking you if you go to see the Empire State Building.

Security: SO did you or didn’t you?

Me: A thousand times. I don’t need to go every time.

Security: Israel?

Me: Nice country.

Security: Yeah I bet. Wouldn’t want to be there. Let’s see here…

Flipping through my passport some more…

Security: Morocco….Republic of Congo…Yikes! Botswana…Oh God…Libya! I’m afraid we’re going to have to take you to the back room. I’ll have Amanda our female screener take you through the preliminaries.

He whispers something to Amanda, this dinky stringy woman in her 40s that looks like she used to be a meth addict.

Amanda: I need you to take off all your rings and bracelets and stand in this machine. Hold on to your dress because this device pumps out air that might blow it up.

Me: Can’t you just run that scanner thing over me?

Amanda: Ma’am, do you have a plane to catch?

Me: Yeah NOW.

Amanda: OK, let’s try to get through this as quickly as possible so you don’t miss it. We need to run along because there’s more we have to put you through.

So I step into this weird machine that pumps out a few puffs of air then I’m told to sit down and show them my feet, then spread my hands and legs as she scans the wand around my body. Her hands go up my dress and around my thighs. It was the caress of a guy. It was the weirdest shit ever! I look around to see if it was considered normal and freak out to see all the men had their backs purposely turned away.

I kept on only one bracelet that this man gave me a couple of weeks ago. It’s this big amethyst one and it didn’t fasten properly so he melted silver around the lock so it’s made not to come off – ever.

Amanda: Ma’am, you need to take off the bracelet.

Me: I can’t. It’s melted on me shut.

Amanda: Ma’am I need you to take it off.

Me: I physically can’t. You scanned me already. What could possibly be in here?

Security #2: If you want to see the outside of this airport, you are taking off that bracelet immediately.

I look over helplessly at my friends who were watching everything from a distance with concerned looks on their faces, but they couldn’t hear anything behind the ropes.

Me: It ain’t gonna happen.

Security #3: Alright, here is what we need for you to do…you comply with our requests and go where you need to go or we’re going to have to hold you here until you do.

Me: I can’t take it off man. I just can’t unless you cut off my wrist! I’ve never had this problem before even when I keep my bracelets on. They just scan me with that wand this lady already used.

Security: Do you pray?

Me: What the hell does that have to do with anything?! This is racial profiling to the highest degree. You guys are bored and I’m your victim.

Security #2: Ma’am you are only complicating the situation…

Me: Well, what kind of fucked up question is THAT? You guys see EGYPT on my passport and right away you think I’m going to blow up the fucking plane. How? In my flip-flops? I got a bomb up my cunt? No, I must have some explosives welded into the silver of my bracelet! Boy, you guys are fucking brilliant! While a real bomber could have slid by because you morons can’t rightfully do your job. Your attendant molested me back there. Your whole airport security system is fucked. You deny people the right to carry liquids but yet once they cross over they can buy as much as they want. What is the fucking reasoning behind that? This search is over. You got it? You guys are fucking with the wrong person! Get your boss over here or show me where the camera is and I’ll call his lazy ass myself.

Security #5: I’m going to have to escort you to the back room.

Me: Listen buddy, my friends are standing over there watching the whole situation. I’m standing right here waiting for your boss to come see me. I don’t go to anybody. Otherwise, I’m going to make the craziest scene and attract lots of attention. I’m not an easy target for you today. I’m not an idiot. Be a good doggie and fetch your boss.

Security: You’re asking for a lot of problems lady if you don’t do as they say. They’ll get rough with you if they have to. Just do what they want and get on your plane. It’s simple.

Me: I ain’t getting a paycheck from these people so I don’t have to do jack shit. You do.

This munchkin of a guy approaches me panting, out of breath.

Captain America: Ms. Kassem, in a normal situation such as this, we have the right to do as we wish to protect the safety of our country. You’ve got some nerve lady. I hate to say that your lack of cooperation is going to cost you some prolonged questioning. Let’s take this to my office.

Me: Listen Captain Dumbfuck, this questioning is over. I know you jack asses abuse your authority to make your shitty jobs more entertaining but let me inform you that you are fucking with the wrong person. Allow me…

I wave to my friends then go to my purse sitting at the end of a huge conveyor screener and pull out cards with the gold American seal on them.

Me: Let’s make some phone calls shall we? I’d love to let Washington know that you spend your time running around the airport slamming snack machines for free chips instead of preventing situations like this from happening. Senator Glenn, the man who walked on the moon. Senator Bono, remember Sonny and Cher? Rest in peace, Sonny. Congressman Kucinich, cool dude. Al Gore, went through bills for him while he served as Vice President of the United fucking States of Fucked Up America!! Shall I call up these great preservers of our Constitution – the ones living at least – and request to know why you lowlifes harassed and molested me beyond what was necessary?

Amanda: Ma’am I did not molest you.

Me: Then you must have mistaken me for one of your cows, you nasty bitch. What is the reasoning behind putting your hands up my legs and thighs? My dress is so thin you could have pressed it and that would have been enough. Your wand didn’t detect anything down there. If I didn’t squirm, you would have kept going. Pull out your SECURITY camera and I’ll show you.

Captain America: Miss Kassem, I’d like to extend my apologies to you. Where’s her ticket?

Security #2: Flight to Detroit has already boarded sir. They made the final call already.

Captain America: I want you to cordially escort Ms. Kassem to her gate. There really is no need to take this any further, dear. Let’s get you on the plane and forget any of this happened. We don’t want problems. We’re just doing our jobs. Stop the plane!

Me: Take off your watch.

Captain America: Why?

Me: Because you could be a terrorist. I’m just doing my job too.

Captain: But I work here!

Me: So, does it make a difference? If anything, all you weirdos are more of a threat in the airport than anybody getting on a plane.